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Confession time

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Confession time

Just when I thought I had heard it all, I found myself in the midst of men who have pasts as long as from Lagos to Maitagari in Jigawa State.

The things they were saying could dry up the anointing of the strongest man of God. At first I was scared of what they could do to my nice ‘innocent’ life but this old girl has heard many things in the past and these guys were ready to talk. So I decided to act as Mother Confessor.

At the end of the day-long session, I had learnt enough to do a movie and write the next book. I had also learnt that designer ties and suits cover too many stories only men can tell. Hear this for instance, Bolade was engaged to be married. As a medical doctor, he had his own practice in Port Harcourt but his wife-to-be was based in America.

He travelled as much as he could and so did Vivian. Then about nine months to their wedding ceremony, Vivian wanted to come home to put things in motion for the traditional wedding in Nigeria. Bolade was excited and Vivian was looking forward to seeing her beloved after almost eight months.

Five days before Vivian’s arrival, Bolade met an old female schoolmate, Yemi. They were actually teenage heartthrobs. It was a chance meeting that almost ruined a four-year relationship. Hot blooded male that Bolade was (still is), he could not keep his eyes and hands off Yemi. “I took her home and we tried to catch up on gists from our secondary school days. I must confess that from the moment I set my eyes on Yemi, I had only one thing on my mind – getting her between the sheets. M-e-n, she looked like a beauty queen, curvy in all the right places.

Anyway, we started with the gists but eventually ended in bed. It was a night to remember in more ways than one. She was great in bed and it was a night well spent.” Until two days later, when Bolade tried to pee and it felt like he was peeing pieces of broken bottles. It was hot and to say it hurt was an understatement.

He knew he had finally caught gonorrhoea or was it gonorrhoea that caught him? In the heat of the moment, Bolade and Yemi had no condom negotiation.

They had unprotected sex. Trust a man’s brain to shut down when his fly is open. Yemi was gone, leaving Bolade to reap the fruits of his labour. His fiancee was arriving in three days and his staff of office was infected. Geez, I can imagine his pain and confusion. “I was in shock for hours but each time I went to the toilet, my foolishness came in overwhelming torrents of pain. The puss I peed had me wearing a turban down there.

The antibiotics my doctor prescribed was too slow for me. What do you tell a woman you had not seen for eight months, that you were suffering temporary impotence?

Or that a prophet told me to put our active sexual life on hold until after the wedding? Should I start a fight while my puss of stupidity dried up? All kinds of thoughts ran round my brain but none sounded like what a smart girl like Vivian would believe.” In his desperation, Bolade told one of his “area brothers” his predicament. After making jest of him, they told him to bring N500 (only!) for herbal powder and concoction. He could not believe his ears but what choice did he have?

He was instructed to take it once or he’d overdose himself. Bolade did as he was told and he was healed, relieved and saved from disgrace.

He was ready and raring to go when Vivian arrived. Did you heave a sigh of relief on Bolade’s behalf ? See how naughty a man can be; having unsafe, unprotected sex months away from his wedding.

What if it was HIV he had caught? Poor wife would have married misery at the altar. May God forgive Bolade some of his sins. Amen! Confession two: Victor caught gonorrhoea and gave his wife. He discovered it within 48 hours but Yetunde did not know. Women are not supposed to know, abi?

Gonorrhoea presents itself only to its male victims. Victor went to the doctor and discreetly treated himself. But he knew he had to get his wife treated or he would “re-catch” it. So he colluded with the family doctor to prescribe a vaccine for the whole family against some big-named infection.

Yetunde did not object. She went through the course. Then the day after she completed her injection, she let her husband know that she was not as foolish as he thought. According to Victor “I almost had a seizure when she told me that the next time I made her take stupid STD injections, she would pack up the marriage.

I did not know how she found out. I lost my tongue. Till today, I still wonder how she knew she was treated for sexually transmitted disease.” I guess there are still men who think women are daft.

More often than men would ever realise, women simply play dumb. It is better for our blood pressure and general health to let men play the field and burn their fingers. Like prodigal sons, they most of the time, return home. Those who do not usually end in untimely graves. They have too much to lose for us to worry too much. Confession three: Tony and Emma had gone out to pick girls for the weekend around Ikoyi, Lagos.

They were driving up and down running commentaries on different girls’ vital statistics and generally having fun when they drove past these two girls, “Those girls looked like what we had been hunting for all day; good height, fair and shapely girls.

I was driving and Emma said we must reverse the car and pick the girls. Somehow, he looked through the rear-view mirror and screamed. He told me to do the same and I almost lost control of the car.

The two girls were beautiful all right but their feet were not touching the ground. It was like they were floating.

I put the car back in ‘drive’ and sped off. Those were ghosts and thank God we looked through the mirror! Maybe Tony and Emma had ‘juju’ too and they simply were not telling the whole truth.

Men take too many risks having fun. In their bid to play hard, sometimes they fall into terrible temptations, some of which mar their lives. But they never learn, do they? I can bet my next pay packet that many men will have unprotected sex today and others will pick girls who are total strangers this weekend. Their foolhardiness is an affliction. Believe me.

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