He knows it is not true. He doesn’t even believe it himself but he’d do his damned best to convince you it is true with words, body language and treats (if he has money).
He’d try to prove that he’s the best, that with him, you cannot go wrong. He would even dress suggestively to show you some concrete evidence. It’s all about bragging about his sexual prowess and he doesn’t stint on apparatus. A man who is boasting about how good he is in bed (or any other venue) most times is a non-performer or one low on energy.
Too many women have discovered to their grief that men of too-much talk are of too-little action. If the load is downstairs, his mouth, will not flap that much. A man whose mouth runs too fast can’t last, if you get my drift. Just like some men brag and boast of their bank accounts, others go on and on about their high-octane sex lives.
With a man like that, a woman has to have her head intact not to be swayed. With all at his disposal, he goes all out to prove that he’s the best lover ground. He would touch her neck critically while pretending to help her adjust her collar.
He’d look at her bust-line suggestively and rub himself against her at every available opportunity. He’d let her know that he thinks about sex each time he sees her.
Too bad if you let men get away with seeing you as nothing but a sex object. Nkechi, a newly wed woman just discovered that the man he married is just a bit better than an impotent man. “It was a whirl-wind romance and most times when we were together, we just heavily cuddled and petted.
I didn’t want him to feel that I was cheap or after his dollars (he’s an American returnee); so I discouraged sex until four months to our introduction and engagement ceremony. “It was almost a disaster. I tried to hide my disappointment and he assured me it was the hassles of business and our wedding preparations that were getting to him.
We went on another break and now we are married.” Nkechi has discovered that the foreplay is where her husband’s sexual prowess ends. He knows how to get her up there, arouse her mercilessly but when it comes to delivery time, he is abysmally zero.
“He used to talk so much about how his sex life almost cost him one thing or the other but now I know it’s all lies or probably something he fantasizes about.”
Nkechi is distressed and unhappy. She doesn’t want to be unfaithful but her husband can’t satisfy her. So, why do men who can hardly sustain an erection boast about being the original Mr. Stud? Why don’t they level with their women and discuss the problem so they can team up against the problem? Men wear masks all the time and are full of more pretences than women.
The bedroom is where you expect honesty but it’s where some men are in their elements when it comes to pretending to be who they are not. Those who are bit-time performers lie from both sides of their mouths to get the woman in bed. But it is hilarious when a man who can’t prove anything at all insists that he’s so endowed that by the time he finishes with you, you’ll need a wheelchair to get out of bed.
When a man is desperate to get you into bed, he’ll spurn you such yarn like “I love you”, “You have a great body”, “I’ve always wanted to sleep with someone with great legs like yours”, “It would be a great honour to sleep with you”, “Sex with my wife is so boring….”
However, with the one running low on the necessary hormones, he’s either operating on the assumption that every woman longs for a skilled lover or he is counting on you to help ward off his doubts and insecurities. And believe me, that’s a full-time job requiring several women because he can’t trust your opinion alone.
He’ll go on a sampling spree. So watch out. When I asked a male friend why men pretend to be what they are not and boast when they are just a little bit better than impotent, he shrugged and told me, “Tell them what they want to hear and you’re home safe”.
Uh-uh, so who’s to blame? When a man tells you: “I’ve never had such a great time before”, be smart enough to know he is a prospector and for now you’re the new oil rig. How deep he goes is a matter of how rich your rig is.
Sometimes what he says and what he does are genuine and even if they put you off. How then do you separate the real gold from the fool’s gold? If it’s a mask you can bet, it will slip, eventually.
He will also get tired of wearing it sooner than later and that’s when he’ll move on. You see, most of the time, a man who spins you so much bravado about his (or your) sexual prowess is after casual sex, nothing beyond the bedmatics.
As soon as you are on to his game, he’ll find a reason or reasons to move on to the next girl. All he wants is to add you to his fake funny cap. All he’s trying to do is show everybody around him that he’s a ladies’ man.
Unless the girls decide to squeal on his inadequacies, he’ll continue to get away with it until he settles down with the final prey As far as he’s concerned, you are a great lay and great fun. Don’t hold your breath hoping for him to pop the big Q, because he won’t.
He’s too much of a professional to be pinned down. He tells his lies, get properly laid and move on to more exciting pastures. Whether a man is lying to cover up his lack of prowess in bed or displaying arrogance for possessing it, don’t forget yourself in the middle of it. You’ll blame yourself if you let yourself be fooled. Nobody can fool you if you let your head rule at all times, or at least most of the time.
Runaway dads: The plight of women
The rate at which our young women are becoming single mothers is increasingly alarming. Apart from widows, it’s like we are having single moms almost at equal proportion to married women. And this unpleasant situation is a consequence of men and their irascible moral attitude. Many of them chose to be irresponsible, philandering and uncaring fathers.
I can’t count the number of single moms whose husbands just disappeared from home not because of any serious acrimony or domestic violence but because they wanted to explore their masculine potentials in a wrong way.
There are men who operate on-and-off schedule in their matrimonial homes. They stay away for days or weeks, lurking for free and available women with less or nil responsibilities to bear. Some of such men have initiated ‘secret’ family life with other women elsewhere while telling their wives they are in pursuit of business opportunities or on official tour of duty.
These are men on the fringes of abandoning their homes.
Surprisingly, many of these runaway dads abandoned their homes leaving their wives with the burden of taking sole responsibility for their children. They do so with callous disposition as if it’s the right thing to do. They stopped paying the rent.
They are not concerned about their children’s schooling, feeding, clothing and medicare. Any man relishing in this kind of unfatherly attitude won’t be blessed at the instance of the children.
Let’s agree they have issues with their wives and they opted out of the marriage unofficially, must they extend their grievances to the innocent children? Supposed the man is suspecting or questioning the paternity of the children, can’t he go for DNA to authenticate his claim? Leaving women alone to shoulder the heavy burden paying the bills is very unfair, wicked and ungodly.
Some men might have different stories to tell on why they quit, it’s very possible but I insist it is sheer callousness to abandon the children. Some men have told me about their move to have the children live with them without their moms. I told them it’s pretty difficult especially if the children are still of school age. No woman would trust a ‘strange woman’ enough to occupy her space for her children while she lives.
The way and manner some men quit the home on the pretext of prospecting for business or official trips wouldn’t encourage the women to trust them with their children. Some men had accused their wives of ‘trapping’ them with pregnancies even when they had no such plans to marry at all.
They might have tenable grouses with their women, yet, it’s no justifiable reason to burden the women with the sole responsibility of caring for the children.
A stock in trade with such runaway dads is that they tell lies a lot.
A clearing and forwarding business magnate abandoned his wife and two children barely six years into the marriage and went on philandering. When this incident happened in 2007, he was enjoying a big boom in his business.
She rented houses for a number of his girlfriends, bought expensive gifts for many of them. While the financial honeymoon lasted, he didn’t erect any building for himself. He lavished millions of naira on social life and emptiness.
As you read this article, his first daughter is preparing for admission into the university while the boy is also in SS2. He couldn’t send a dime for their school fees or upkeep in the last five years. This leaves his legitimate wife stranded, struggling to cope. Meanwhile, he is hibernating in a two-bedroom apartment of an older woman who also have two children for him apart from children from other women. From this man alone, our society has five single moms who are now struggling with life issues on their own. He lied to each of them to put them in the family way.
A network marketer was abandoned by her husband shortly after she delivered her fifth child. Barely three months later, he returned home to pick some of his personal effects and left the next day. He told his bewildered wife that “your mates are out there taking good care of their men. They even appreciate the fact that they are lucky to have men around them who make them feel good. All you know is to ‘breed’ children like a pig.”
When I contacted the man, his response was so weird and funny. Hear him: “Oga, I don tire for dat woman joor. I wan enjoy ma life small. With five children, wetin I go do to feed them? I dey where I dey enjoy. You don hear am before say man dey collect money for enjoyment? Na dat kind level I dey so.”
At a relationship forum in July, I advised parents to start grooming their boys to becoming men and from men to becoming loving, caring husbands and responsible fathers. It is not women alone that should be molded; men, too, need proper mentoring and grooming for future life. A well-groomed man won’t abuse or harm his wife. He will always have a sense of caution in his indulgences. It is then we can have a decent society that has value for home (grooming place for future leaders) and consequently reduce the spiraling incidence of young women becoming single mothers.
Big babes, cold bedroom
She has come a long way. She started small, very small in fact but life has been kind to her. She has found favour with God and man. Today, the young awkward marketing executive is the Chief Operating Officer of a multi-million naira concern. She has men, her father’s age, calling her Madam and women, more beautiful than her, scrambling for her attention and approval. She is a force you can’t ignore in her industry.
Though many women wish they were in her shoes but her life is not all the colours of the rainbow that we all see. She is married with children and the last line of her profile reads like that of most women in her shoes: she is happily married with children.
Hmm, not totally true. Not totally false. Married with children yes but the happy part? Not always. But come to think of it, which marriage is happy all the time? Some days you are happy, others you just wish you’d married someone else. And there are those days you want to shoot him, even if it’s in the leg or with rubber bullets. Not a biggie. Nobody should go into marriage hoping to be happy every single second.
Happily ever after I think is a concoction from Denise Robins’ romance kitchen. Oh, all those romance novels we read and believed! Yours sincerely read so many Mills and Boons I actually believed all the purple prose about tall rich, dark and handsome romantic man myth. If you are a fan of M&B, you’ll remember all the favourite authors now: Carole Mortimer, Anne Mather, Penny Jordan. Are you smiling? I am.
The things those writers filled our heads with. Come back to the present, into the life of the lady boss and the man she married. Welcome to the life of the successful career married woman. And the fine-boy-no-pimples guy she married.
Hear her husband.
‘These days I’m not sure if I’m married or not because my wife is married to her job. I virtually have to book appointments to see her. Sex is no longer spontaneous. It’s like there is a roster somewhere for making love to my own wife o. For instance, Mondays are totally not sex days. Fridays are not either. Saturday mornings, she wants to sleep so I cannot check out my property. And the week before a board of directors meeting is worse.
She falls asleep surrounded by laptop, I-pad, tons of files, her glasses still perched on the bridge of her nose. I can’t even sneak a touchy-feel. We have a full compliments of kitchen staff now complete with chef who spices every dish to high heavens.
But nobody makes vegetable soup like my wife. I miss the aroma of her ‘akara’ waking me up on Saturday mornings. Now, if two of the reasons you married your wife is the great sex and her cooking prowess, what do you do when she becomes a big girl, with a ninedigit salary, who neither cooks nor satisfies you in bed? Is someone going to blame me if I start getting some on the side?’ Now, why do I get this strong feeling that bros is already doing full-scale extracurricular activities? You see, when a man threatens to take a second wife, 60 per cent of the time, he has already taken one.
He’s just looking for an opportunity to bring her in. So, when the husband of the lady boss reels out a long list of his reasons why he deserves a girlfriend, hmmn, I can bet my leave allowance that he is already getting thoroughly serviced by one impressionable undergraduate or even his secretary. All the same, let’s consider his complaint sheet without imagining him in a nonmissionary position with his secretary.
I truly sympathise with men married to career women especially the one who have risen to the top of the ladder. They are rare breeds and even bigger boys than their big-girl-wives. To marry a big babe doesn’t take much, which is why a lot of men marry them in the first place. It is glamorous and men these days consciously seek out the big babes. Check out the wedding invitation cards you currently have and the weddings you had attended in the last six months.
You will find the brides are bankers, doctors, even entrepreneurs. Guys suddenly prefer the already made girls, not just the ones who come from old money or who are daughters of politicians. Many times, I must admit, the unemployed girls don’t get as many proposals as the career girls.
But somehow, after marriage and as the years go by, the husband of the lady boss starts complaining and one wonders why. Could it be that he couldn’t see beyond his happy nose of long ago? I mean, a 29-yearold bride doing well in a bank will eventually grow into a General Manager and that post certainly won’t come with hours or responsibilities. As the perks increase, so will the meetings and official trips and dinners and meeting with clients. Most men just generally assume that if their fine wives have dinner with a rich client, the rich client will have their wives for dinner. And we all know what those kinds of thoughts do to men’s heads. Poor folks.
They just aren’t ever prepared for the brighter years and that’s when the complaints start. Men are not like women in any way, are they? When a woman marries a poor man and he becomes rich, we just slide smoothly, effortlessly into the role of the wife of a big boy.
We move from buying second hand dresses to designer ones. We move from cheap costume jewellery to dainty gold and even diamonds. We learn the movements and adapt to new neighbourhoods. We even learn new ways to monitor our men’s movements. But a man is not really wired to tag along.
Yet, since sh*t happens and this is a new world, the husband of the lady boss just must adapt. It’s just the way the cookies crumble. And the best way to adapt is to own both the assets and liabilities.
Now, the lady boss needs to do a lot of work to keep her man, her home and her marriage. Yes, she can’t do ‘efo riro’ and ‘akara’ as often as bros wants, but she must make out time to cook her husband’s favourite dishes as often as she can.
Dear, just get the kitchen staff to lay out the ingredients. Next step: get into your hottest pants or shorts and make sure bros is around to watch you sweat it out making his vegetable soup. Roll all your assets as you move up and down.
Let him gasp. Let him drool but you don’t have to give it all up that night. This is just the cooking phase. The other department you must man with all your strength is the bedroom. You cannot allow those little girls outdo you in the territory where you have more cognate experience. Deploy those assets and give him the service of his life. If he’s one of those guys who likes to hang out with his friends on Fridays, Thursday night is your execution date. Show him undiluted service.
Shake him up. Make him pant. Make him beg. Take him to the seventh heaven and let him ride back on your back, sweating. Even if he does not cancel his date with the boys, you are almost sure he can’t deliver the goods with girls. Right? Give him something to think about all day. Let him doze at his desk. Let him look forward to a next time. Beg him to make out time to accompany you on official trips once in a while.
Take him far from the madding crowd and give him the treat of his life. Swim at night together if you do and …well, I can’t say everything here. Even when you are tired, you know great sex is great exercise and you need to work out, don’t you? See? It’s a win-win situation. No matter how hard you work at work, you must protect the territorial integrity of your marriage.
Are the men still clapping?
Why do I always make men look like monsters and women like saints? Is that what I always do? So many men are angry with me. Women are mean, ask Adam. I know. There are bad women. And there are good guys too. But as a woman, sometimes you can’t blame me if I see things just like that, as a woman, I mean. I’m sure we have been at this for a while now, doing the back and forth on who is badder, the guy or the girl.
When we swig stories, haven’t we discovered that bloody noses are a common denominator in relationships? Yeah. Women are bad. Girls are badder. That is one thing we can agree on but let me not bore you with what you already know or anger you more with what you are already angry about.
Today, I’m not really going to hit the men, ahem, at least not like that. Let’s just say I want to draw their attention to some obvious facts they daily ignore. Now, I must confess that this piece was triggered by a text message joke I received from a co-conspirator. Here goes; Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
There were 10 men and a woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all. So they decided that one of them had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to agree on who that person would be. Until the woman among them gave a touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general. She said she was used to always making sacrifices and getting little or nothing in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping… All the men, of course, dropped to their untimely deaths and she flew away alone in the chopper. Well, what can a woman do? That is the power of a woman, the brand only smart men recognize and acknowledge. If there had been at least one of those 10 excitable men who could see beyond that woman’s ‘moving’ speech, he would be alive today.
But don’t we all know that men don’t do much thinking when they see women they want? In my mind’s eyes, I could see the woman in that joke wearing a very short skirt, no bra and a top with a plunging neckline.
How do you reason with a man drooling over ample cleavage? If you scream ‘Praise the Lord’, he won’t shout Halleluyah because he is far away in la-la land. The woman in that joke, I’m sure, also had smooth skin, probably fair skin. All 10 men simply threw their thinking caps in the air or how else do you explain why they all forgot that they did not have third hands and that once they started clapping they were going to drop to their deaths? That is exactly my point.
A smart woman can make a man do whatever she wants him to do. We are that powerful. Oh, don’t even try to disprove it. Just save your energy for the next time a woman is delivering a speech and you need all your wits about you to hang on to life instead of clapping your way into an early grave.
Of course, I’m the first to admit that there is something comforting about the sight of a woman. We were created like that. Every woman has the right gadgets to comfort a man, make him feel safe, give him life.
That is the reason baby boys suck breasts more fervently than baby girls and when you wean him off the breasts at 12 months, what does he do? As soon as he is old enough to recognise that there are other breasts apart from mummy’s own, he goes breast-hunting. Poor men, you can’t wean them off breasts.
They need to be regularly nourished. Who’s complaining? Don’t forget that this piece is about alerting men to the dangers of their bad wild ways on the one hand and the powers of a woman on the other. No man should delude himself that his woman is powerless.
If you doubt my sermon, ask yourself how much you spend on your daughter and compare it with how much your sons cost. Even your little tyke is twisting you round her pink fingers. A smart man works all day, sits on his butt for eight-straight hours trying to seal a deal.
He finally gets it in the can, tired but happy. He drives home and sights these half-clad daughters of Eve along the road and stops to give one a ride. He convinces himself he’s celebrating his new deal. Before you know it, he is expending more energy and spending money that is not yet in the bank.
I see my sisters who have not much to show in terms of source of income living in posh apartments in choice areas of town and driving wonder-on-wheels. Who’s paying? Men who are clapping when they should be holding on firmly to the rope. Well, the girls are having fun and the men are not complaining.
I just feel like warning them today. Men should stop thinking that it’s a man’s world. Please, it’s women’s device to keep you clapping. It suits even me to convince men that it’s their world. But it isn’t.
My brother summed up this whole clapping-when-you-shouldn’t business when he said ‘men are forever prostrating for their women when the women are not riding them.’ I’m still trying to decode that one. Are the men still clapping?
Is your husband on loan?
You must have at one time or the other suspected your husband was having an affair. No big deal, most men do. The occasional fling to relieve their youth or assure themselves that the strands of grey hair on their temples have not affected them ‘downstairs’.
As long as they ‘always come back,’ what’s a roving eye between husband and wife?
Only the deal becomes big when the affair graduates from being an occasional fling.
When your husband goes a step further from the late nights, weekends outside the matrimonial, you can’t help but worry. When he stops telling you where he is going or where he’s coming from, you should worry.
So what do you do when you find out your husband is going steady with another woman? May be when he has gone as renting and furnishing an apartment for her. Do you burst an artery and end up a stroke patient? Would you scream, tear your hair and threaten to send hired killers after her and your shameless husband? Would you accept defeat and pack out? Is there really a cut-and-dried, acceptable way to react to the threat of the other woman?
All these questions chased one another round my brain when I heard how some women handled such situations.
Actually, the first instance is the one that really started this topic. The woman, let’s call her Mrs. X had found out that her husband, Mr. X has rented and furnished a mini-flat in Ishaga (in Ifako/Ijaiye local government) for his girlfriend, Miss B. That Monday, the randy husband had spent the night at his girlfriend’s place.
The following morning, still his bathrobe, the secret lovers received an august visitor – Mrs. X. She arrived in her Toyota Corolla car, surprisingly Mr. X and Miss B. No introductions were needed.
Mrs. X pounced on Miss B. dealing severe blows on the surprised lady. When the latter saw that Mrs. X was ready to send her to the great beyond, she fought back. At the end of the battle, Mrs. X was stripped by Miss B. while Mr. X roared that Mrs. X should not return to their matrimonial home.
That was one woman’s way of defending her territory and she got thoroughly beaten and disgraced for it. I think she had it coming too. How can any woman descend that low, and for a man’s sake? What if she suffered a mortal blow like ruptured spleen or spinal cord injury? She could have died, you know. And what would have become of the territory she desperately wanted to protect?
To physically attack your husband’s mistress is a totally foolish thing to do. It’s very demeaning and I tell you, no man is worth that trouble. He’d either do a cowardly disappearing act or issue a decree banning you from your matrimonial home.
As I was busy castigating this hot woman, one of my friends told me another tactic used by another woman on detecting that her husband has a mistress. She was angry and ready to do anything to stop the affair. She sent thugs after the girl. They gave her a thorough beating, dragged her out of her car and burnt it to ashes.
The snag in that tactic is that, it may endear your husband more to his mistress, especially if you had earlier threatened to deal with the other woman. You could still lose out or end up in a police cell if the thugs point you out.
One woman decided to cut her losses. As far as she knew, antagonizing his mistress was not the solution especially because the other woman was older and richer than her. She warmed her way into the mistress’ favour.
“What’s my own? She was ‘spending’ my husband, so why can’t I spend her money? At first, my husband was wary, afraid I was up to a mischief but he soon found out I had no time for lost battles. The woman was too old to have babies for my husband and she was loaded, always jetting around the globe. At the end, she helped me expand my business and one of my children in studying abroad on her bill.”
It wasn’t easy taking a step like that but what the hell; you might as well make the best of a bad situation. If your husband is on loan, make the best of it.
Readers’ rejoinders are welcome.
How to know if he’s cheating
The wife, many times, is usually the last to know when her husband is having an affair. Some of us are wired to know almost immediately, though. And then when she finally knows, she may ignore it in the hope that it is a passing fancy and he would soon be back in her bosom. So, how does a girl handle a cheating husband situation? You need to ask yourself certain questions, answer them and then decide whether you are shaping in or shipping out.
1. Is he really having an affair?
If you suspect your husband is having an affair, your first reaction may be to react with anger or threats. You may even feel like hitting him on the head with a pestle. Those are normal feelings. Just don’t carry them out. Cry if you must. Refuse to make love if you can still resist his six-pack but don’t do anything you are likely to regret 10 minutes later. Yeah, like smashing the windscreen of his Range Rover. My hand no dey. And before you accuse your husband of infidelity, make sure you have all the facts. Don’t rely on your tatafo friend’s conclusion that a man and woman coming out of a hotel means they are having an affair. Your semi-illiterate friend may not know anything about seminars, business lunches and meetings holding in hotels. You can’t blame her; she didn’t go to many schools.
So, make sure you are armed with proof before you go and do something rash like packing up the kids and leaving. Remember, God gave a woman intuition, not just for the mother in her, but also for the wife in her.
2. Dude, are you sleeping with your secretary?
Confront your husband, nicely. You own him as much as he owns you. Your marriage certificate is proof that you have a right to ask him if he’s having an affair or not. With evidence, no matter how small or stupid they look, tell him your suspicions and let him confirm and deny it. Don’t bottle it up and decide ‘to deal with him’. He may be innocent and even if he is guilty as charged, the conversation may be all that is needed to get the stray woman out of the picture. So, do it and get it out of the way instead of hurting inside.
3. Who do I talk to now?
Next stage is who you need to talk to because you do need to talk to someone. Don’t mind those who say you shouldn’t talk to anybody about your marriage. Until you visit another man’s farm you may not know yours is not the biggest. Your husband having an affair may look like the heaven is about to cave in until you talk to someone who has weathered that storm more than once. All you need to do is ensure you do not seek counsel from those who don’t know, those who pretend to know and self-righteous people. A cheating spouse situation can be really overwhelming but it is not as bad as you think it is. When you look back five years from now, you will see that. So, seek realistic sensible counsel. Don’t let anybody tell you to do what they won’t do themselves.
4. Can you give him another chance?
Yeah, you are reeling in pains. I can imagine you imagining his hands all over the body of his girlfriend. Your pain is worsened by the fact that the other woman is more curvaceous than you. You are 28 something and she is 34DD. His hands all over all that…, I feel you girl but you can’t wind up everything just like that. You need to decide whether you still love and want him whether he’s cheating or not. You need to be sure if you want to attempt to trust him again after this. If you ask me, I’ll say, men in these parts need second and third and even tenth chances when it comes to their roving hands and eyes. And then if you leave him, what is the possibility of the next guy coming with NAFDAC number. You see? The whole marriage business is black market.
5. Is it a merger or acquisition?
If the affair is like a 90-minute Liverpool/Arsenal match and he’s willing to leave the stadium and return home, it is easier to forgive him and move on but if he continues the affair despite all your efforts to remedy the situation, it’s time to do something about. If he has pitted a ‘Mario’ tent in the other place, you may need to do something extra. Like give him an ultimatum, move on or simply resign yourself to live with him as a housemate. If it has come to that, you might as well brace yourself up from promotion to first wife position. Once your husband continues to see the other woman after everything, it is most likely because he wants to move his headquarters somewhere else or he wants to merge his new acquisition with his older investment. What to do? Decide if you are cut out for shared prosperity or not. That is really up to you. But never ever forget the black market point.
6. Is it life-threatening?
Women can forgive the most grievous of sins. I was told that it is because of the uterus we carry around. It is extra capacity, extra space bestowed by God. But if your husband, in the process of dangling his dangling modifier all over the place, gives you gonorrhoea and didn’t tell you? Ah, you are already running temperature. Calm down. Think it through. Will you forgive him and start wearing female condom? If his new woman calls and threatens to do all kinds of evil to get you out of the way and the following morning you fall in the bathroom and break your arm? And then one of the children finds a scorpion under his pillow? Well, methinks that is the point where this whole set-up becomes life-threatening, a war even. If his new romance threatens your investment of many years, then it’s time to divest. Some wars just don’t make sense. Donate him to his Jezebel and run with your jewels.
A deputy for your busy husband…
It was supposed to be a day out with the girls but I could not make it because I woke up feeling very tired after sleeping for eight hours. I checked my sugar level and my blood pressure and everything was fine. Yet I was still feeling like I had two heads and my eyes refused to stay open. So, I had a long hot shower and dived under the duvet again, hoping and praying my friends would have so much fun at the party and forget I was not even there. For where? They came straight from the party to my house, in various stages of disrobing as they trooped into my compound.
Lamy was holding her head tie. Mofe’s skirt was in a clean-up-Lagos mode because her zipper was undone, Liz was trying to get out of her body-shaper unsuccessfully. Gbemi was holding her sunglasses but wearing flat casual slippers, instead of her six-inch things. I took a look at them and knew it wasn’t going to be a flying visit.
‘Hey girl, what’s up? What are you doing in P.J at 5p.m.? That was Lamy.
‘You are looking so dull and used. Abi o ti l’oyun? (Are you pregnant?)’ Gbemi is scandalously incorrigible. Why must she always think, like an old woman, that every sick female is pregnant?’
‘I don’t think she’s pregnant. I think she is under-used?’ Liz has all the answers. That one is like those people selling drugs inside commercial buses; one drug that cures a thousand ailments. Mofe was on her way from my kitchen, bearing a loaded tray.
‘Who is under-used in this age and time? I hope you girls know it is a sin to deprive yourself. You only live once, you know?’
‘Not all of us are married like you.’ Liz retorted.
Now, why would Liz pretend she is not married because she is and has been for 17 long years?
‘Chaaii, Liz, there is God o. You are married girl, taken, used and over-used by that handsome husband of yours.’
‘It is also a sin to talk about what you don’t understand. What is the essence of being married if you can count the number of times you make love in a year, ehn? Tunji is so busy. He travels every week and when he’s in town, the business meetings make it look like he’s still out of town…’
‘And then when he gets back home, he simply falls into bed like a log of wood or does a two-minute man thing.’ Mofe completed Liz’s sentence. Why is that?
Mofe’s husband is a politician and has been since 1999. So, how is she in a position to feel good about absentee husbands? She is the one who always complained and once went into depression because of inadequate sex. This new Mofe is totally new.
‘All right, Mofe, out with it. You were the whining one, the one whose factory was not allowed to function at fully-installed capacity. What is Otunba doing differently especially now that he’s following the president all over the country?’
‘Otunba didn’t change. I did. I found him a deputy.’
‘You did what?’ We all chorused, eight pairs of eyes threatening to pop out of their sockets.
‘Before you go into group cardiac arrest, I am not having an affair. I just got myself a few sex toys in my favourite colours to …’
At that point in time, everybody started talking at the same time. How could she? Why did she? It’s a sin. It is not a sin. It is still adultery. How will a husband feel if he catches his wife with a vibrator? Oh and there are quite many varieties to choose from. Mofe insisted it is transformation agenda of the new woman, whatever that means.
Babes, I must confess I heard things I thought I knew. I learnt a lot and it is not just about the beautiful colours and sexy names of men’s deputies. I learnt that more women than you and I know now have closets full of dildos and beads and rabbits. Women are taking care of themselves because if they don’t, nobody will.
The women in their 20s are afraid of the rampaging libido of hit-and-run young guys who have no intention of marrying anybody in the next five years. They just dazzle and cuddle for a few months, get her pregnant, do abortion and then move on to the next girl. With sex toys, her heart is not involved and so cannot be broken. She cannot be knocked up by rubber and so her vote is for the toy.
And there is the Adam and Steve situation. After 20 years of marriage, Adam tends to start seeing Eve as his sister and so she gets treated like Steve, not as a woman. As Adam gets older, his libido slumps while Eve’s need for sex climbs between 40 and 50. Poor Adam begins to pant when he can get it up but many days, his staff of office is on sabbatical. What is madam supposed to do? She gets a couple of rabbits to stand in for daddy.
The sex toy also comes in handy with men who leave their women half way to Paradise for all kinds of reasons. It may be age or health troubles but what is a warm blooded , able-bodied woman supposed to do, walk up the wall?
Absentee husbands and busy blokes like Liz and Mofe’s husbands also need deputies before their wives begin to climb scandalous things.
Sex toys are here, all over the place. Women are resorting to self-help to the chagrin of their men and their pastors. I know born-again folks are casting and binding demons of sexual immorality as they read this but what are the alternatives to the demands of the flesh? Can’t she just make do with the chicken in the absence of the pigeon? If your wife has to choose between her toy and the gateman, what do you advise?
Now, isn’t this more relaxing than another long piece on Supreme Court ruling and who should be deputy governor of Kogi and whether the National Assembly needs air fresheners?
He’s not good enough for my daughter
At a stage in life, parents, especially mothers, tend to start fretting about the unmarried status of their daughters. It is at that time that they start taking interests in every man that does as much as say hello to their daughters. They ask after her male colleagues and other not-so-silly questions. They start introducing their friends’ sons and nephews and cousins and generally trying to match-make, albeit in a subtle manner.
Unfortunately some parents, many mothers have lost the confidence of their daughters by interferring too much.
Yes, it’s possible to over-play one’s hands even in matters concerning one’s children.
You can be too over-protective and over-ambitious where your children’s welfare is concerned. Some parents are simply too fussy and rigid when it comes to giving their blessing to their daughters relationship.
These fussy parents always look for one excuse or the other why one particular guy is not good enough for their daughters. And often times when one makes a closer look at their excuses, they are outright lame excuses that cannot stand up in any moral court. Imagine a mother saying that their daughter’s boyfriend is not handsome enough, in fact that he’s ugly. She even went as far as saying that she was sure the offspring of such a union will be so ugly that they would easily be mistaken for baby chimps if they ever visit a zoo. Can you beat that? How do you expect that daughter to feel or even the poor guy who had no hand or say in how he looks?
Some mothers are simply selfish in their attitudes to their daughters’ suitors. They say they are doing it out of love or taking out good insurance for their daughters’ future. It’s alright to want the best for one’s daughter but when such love starts veering towards tall unrealisable ambitions, the mothers should soft-pedal.
Imagine this, Rolake is 29 years old and so far, none of the four men she had introduced to her mother has met with her approval. “My mother is too fussy and she believes that all that she did not enjoy in her youth must be enjoyed by her children. You see, we lost our father while we were still all under 12 years old. Daddy died suddenly, leaving us penniless and mummy had to bring us up single-handedly. It was hard for her and none of our uncles came to our aid. As a nurse, mummy worked in two hospitals to make ends meet and sent us all to fairly good private schools. She really suffered and that’s why I’m finding it difficult to defy her. I know she wants the best for me but I’m not getting any younger yet she keeps judging my chance of a good marriage by the size of my boyfriends’ car, purse and their family background.
“My current boyfriend is a medical doctor who is just starting out. He shares a flat with another colleagues of his. He’s quite loving, generous and caring. He has even proposed to me but my mother is the stumbling block. She said the guy is too skinny and doesn’t look like he’s going to live long. Can you imagine such a statement? She’s trying to play God and it hurts. I know deep down that her objection has nothing to do with the guy’s physique. If he had been four-feet tall and rich, mummy wouldn’t have objected. She wants a rich son-in-law who will be able to keep her in comfort in her old age. She keeps telling me that it won’t be fair on her or us if we make bad marriages. She doesn’t want to know whether a man gets his money through shady deals or not, as long as he rides a long car and can boast of having travelled abroad three or four times”.
While Rolake’s mother might genuinely not want her daughters to marry poor men, she’s also got a moral duty to ensure they end up happy.
Unfortunately, if she continues like this, there’s every likelihood the frustrated girl will defy her and stop confiding in her. No mother has got any right to impose men on her daughters because she wants to be seen in the ‘owner’s corner’ of a Mercedes Benz G-wag.
Some parents even based their disapproval of prospective sons-in-law on age-old family feuds. Because the poor man’s great-grand father took the girl’s great-great-grand-father’s land centuries ago, they cannot mix. Sometimes the reasons are so stupid that one can’t help but tell such parents to think of better reasons for their objections.
Why should an overgrown piece of barren land spoil one’s chances of happiness, for God’s sake?
Do you know some parents even disapprove of their daughters’ choices on grounds of his state of origin. Imagine a mother, true mother saying: “How can I have a son-in-law who cannot speak my dialet?” It’s even worse when a Yoruba man from Ilesha says his daughter cannot marry an Ekiti man. And these parents will be so insistent and rigid that they cause so much tension and friction in the home.
If the guy is patient he might wait until his prospective in-laws come round but if he’s the impatient type, there are too many fishes in the ocean for him to die running after one.
Methinks it’s simply old fashioned and selfish to deny one’s daughter of life-time happiness just because the boyfriend is poor, skinny or doesn’t speak your language.
It’s a shame, really.
She’s a pro, not a dove
Men are not so smart even if they insist they are the best thing to happen to the human race since bread and butter. Let’s take another look at bachelors who think that having obvious risky fun is hip. Eligible bachelors, they are supposed to be, but they work their randy ways through the ‘rank and file’ of the womenfolk like a hot knife through butter.
Some of them have been through so many skirts that they have lost count. Yet they are not tired or ready to retire. These are men, who develop goose pimples each time their girlfriends bring up marriage. It doesn’t matter for how long this kind of man has dated a girl, he has all the reasons, at his finger tip, why marriage is an issue for tomorrow, not today.
It doesn’t matter how many hours the poor girl has spent rehearsing her pitch, he has ready-made answers to all her nice logic. Ask them about the current girls in their lives and the most honest answer you can get out of them is ‘fine’ followed, of course, by a long list of excuses why the girls are not wife-materials.
These are the overgrown sit-tight bachelors. They almost always find reasons why their girls are incompatible with them. All the incompatibility talk is rubbish, however.
A sit-tight bachelor has gone through so many skirts that he can’t think of being condemned to life with one woman. And so he keeps playing the field, breaking hearts and messing up lives.
He has gotten away with so much bad behaviour that he believes God must be giving him thumbs up. Running through women, jumping from bed to bed is so fraught with dangers that I wonder why men who think they are smart don’t see them. As a concerned citizen, I have decided to let you guys into some secrets, especially those of you who think you can get married any time, after all, there are women all over the place.
The recently released census figures with all the flaws therein, after all, said there are more men than women in Nigeria. But let us start with the kind of woman you can easily mistake for a dove.
She looks and acts like you are the lord and love of her life. She takes all the shit you want to dish out. She has a good job, a thriving career and does not stint when it comes to spoiling you a little. Of course, because you are such a ‘pro’ at breaking hearts, you think she’s a fool. The reality, however, is she thinks you don’t have the brain God gave a grasshopper. This kind of girl has learnt her lesson over time.
Her heart has been broken over and again but by now she is as hard as nails, though she does not look it. In fact, everything about her throws you off, everything about her says she’s butter or pepperless.
Our girl is a big-league pro. That beautiful ring on her finger is not just a fashion accessory.
That’s why she wears it day and night. Once she wags that finger playfully at you, you will do whatever she says. Or, have you ever wondered why she likes to put her head on your laps so often? I ‘ll tell you. There are some heavy incisions at the center of her head. Once your eyes get into contact with the spot, you become putty in her hands.
There is also the concoction for fever and pile that she offers you, which I assure you, could be a head-turner. All those girls who look like they can’t hurt a fly aren’t what they look. They all have Alhajis and babas who they run to when things get ‘tight’. I am telling you all these at the risk of exposing my own species but I believe it’s only fair.
Considering that I have been accused of bias by men. Most guys who have been lucky not to have been cut down to size by these hardtown girls think they are smart. They will soon exhaust their luck by which time it might be too late to cry.
It is better for a dog to learn its lesson before its ears are cut.
Throwing away the knife afterwards would amount to medicine after death. A man who tries to act smart with the butter-won’t-melt-in-my-mouth girls will bite his fingers.
He ‘ll as usual go into the relationship to do his habitual hit-andrun thing but he’ll become a husband in no time, for sure.
The only trouble may be this dream girl of his will turn out to be the nightmare of his life.
But what can he do? He’d be stuck. If you think that new girl in your life is gentle, you just might be playing with fire. By the time she’s through with you, you ‘ll find out she’s the boss and you are the peon.
Manless and happy
Let’s be clear about something upfront: this is not about me campaigning against men. They have their irreplaceable uses. But there are times they can’t find you or you can’t find them. So, this piece is about those dry seasons when you are manless.
This is me telling you girls that your life does not have to come to an end just because you are single because being alone does not necessarily mean you have to be lonely. You can be single and happy.
You just need to look on the bright side. I know there are some girls who would rather be in a bad relationship than be single because they don’t think they are complete without a man in their lives. Excuse me?
Men are great to have around and indeed heavenly when the guy makes you happy but when you begin to think your life is empty because there is no man in it, that’s when to start worrying. And yeah, that’s what this is about.
Enjoy the other people in your life
You are in-between relationships, not dead. See it as a break, a vacation and enjoy it. Open your eyes and arms and embrace your friends and family. Hang out with the girls. Do the aso ebi thing and go do owambe. The next guy may not want so many people in your life.
He may want to keep you for himself. You know how they are when they are hot needy, right? Go spend weekends with your parents and catch up on childhood stories with your siblings.
Trust me, when you are ‘coupled up’ again, sibling time virtually disappear. Go on, fix your own bulbs. Of course, women think there are things around the house that only men do but it’s all a big myth.
Take this single season to discover that you can actually buy your own bulbs and fix them. You can ask your mechanic questions and get to know your car better. You can eat out and enjoy the solitude.
You can ask a colleague to hang out with you. And those other things you can do to please yourself. And you know what, the next guy will inherit a stronger smarter girl instead of a needy sniffling one. Rebuild your economy.
There is no better time than now to re-evaluate your life and values. Sure, it’s easy to let a rich guy pick your bills and generally spoil you but when he moves on, and he will at some point, what then? You start looking for a replacement?
What does that make you? Now that you are unencumbered, dust yourself and build a career or business. You will look back and thank me for telling you this. Dudes don’t guarantee happiness. Being in a relationship isn’t going to necessarily make you happy.
You know as much as I do that there are a dozen women who are in relationships that have them pulling their hairs. The men are cheating on them or are abusive.
How are those miserable ones better than you? No way, because having a man in your life does not guarantee happiness. So, stop equating relationship with happiness. You can be manless and happy because your happiness actually depends on you, not on any fine dude and his six-pack.
Spread your wings and do something new
Once there is a man in your life, your life changes. You have to accommodate him and what he wants. Sometimes, you’re even restricted by what he wants to do but now you are single, enjoy it to the fullest. Go to the movie in the morning instead of in the evening.
Eat in bed. Go on trips with your friends. Take up extra responsibilities and more hours at work. Push your career boundaries. You don’t have to worry about your man feeling left out.
Explore new hobbies. There’s so much you need to do before the next guy shows up with his own version of the ten commandments. If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you are setting up yourself for misery.
Your happiness is your business. Indeed, it has been said that happiness is a decision. You must be determined to do things that gladdens your heart and do right ahead and do it.
Come to think of it, have you asked yourself why so many married women and sad and suicidal if being with a man guarantees happiness? Don’t you know at least a dozen women who’d jump out of their marriages if not for what the society would say? No man can make you happy if you are not a happy person. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
Take responsibility for yourself, your state of mind. If you’re not happy with you, you’ll never be happy with a man. A man can only add to your happiness but you can saddle him with the entire responsibility for your happiness.
Think of all the stress in your last two relationships and compare it with the peace and tranquillity of having only to worry about yourself. Nobody reading meanings into even what you have not said.
Remember how you used to wonder and worry if his sister or friends would approve of you and if you said the right things when you met his mum for the first time. Right now, all that is absent. No drama, no stress. Just bask in it. While it lasts, that is it.
One of the best things about being single is you can dress to please only yourself. If you don’t want to wear makeup, then you don’t wear it.
You don’t have to spend 60 minutes wondering if the dress you prefer shows too much cleavage or if the pants are too clingy. You can wear what you want when you want it. Without a man, you could spend a week in the same clothes without a shower if you want.
Not that I recommend that, but you get my drift. You get to dress for you, not someone else. In all, life is a great journey involving so many things and you are the centre of it. Why would you then make it bout finding a man? Let the guys do the hunting until it becomes absolutely inevitable for you to go hunting.
And if there is an interlude, just turn it into a man-vacation. Enjoy it thoroughly. Some of us will find a man along the way and it’ll add to our happiness. Others will stay single and other things will make them just as happy.
Just don’t deny yourself happiness because society says every woman must have a man in her life. There’s nobody called society and it is your life to live as you deem fit.
Dad in mummy’s shoes
The alarm goes off at exactly 5.00am. He turns on his side and taps his wife. ‘Honey, go and get the kids ready.’ ‘Aren’t we forgetting something here? Today is the day you are wife for one day. So, off you go.’ Madam rolls over to get one more hour of sleep. Mr hops out of bed. First challenge?
It takes forever to persuade children to get out of bed especially if the next bus stop is the bath. Today is particularly not good.
Daddy does not know how to coo or do early morning deals with Junior. Worse still, the water is not hot enough because daddy did not know he was supposed to switch on the heater before commencing the get-outof- bed routine. Thankfully, without any casualty, bath time is over . At the breakfast table, he finds out that Junior won’t take Cornflakes because Benita is doing so.
He wants ‘Coco pops’. She wants Milo. He wants fruit juice. Half of everything still ends up uneaten. Is this how these kids waste my money? He asks himself. Well… Madam is down, ready for a quick breakfast. ‘Can I just have a toast and coffee, please?’ She asks, like a husband.
He slaps her with his looks. She slaps him right back with a mocking grin. ‘Hurry up darling, am running late for my first appointment.’ She rubs it in. He dashes off to get ready after serving the coffee with a slice of burnt offering which he must think is toast.
‘Is my lunch packed, darling?’ she calls after him, trying not to laugh. ‘Lunch, what lunch? I’m also running late. Silifa will pack something for you.’
‘Is the maid now in charge of my food?’ She smothers a full-throated laughter ‘She won’t poison you and I’ve got a job to go to too.’
He shouts back. ‘Okay love. Just be down in time to see the kids off to the school bus. Have a great day at work and don’t forget to call Aunty Romoke about the catering arrangement and ‘aso-ebi’ for her daughter’s wedding next weekend.
The kids are laughing and so is Silifa. This wife-for a- day drama is better than Big Brother Africa. ‘Daddy actually wore an apron’ ‘…and he made our breakfast.’
He drags himself into the house at 8pm, tired and ready to drop. All he wants is a good warm bath and a hot dinner, in that order.
He’ll get them but not so quick. But this wife for one day is not going to get his shower, cold or warm now. He’s going to have to find out why Junior’s counters are all over the floor of the sitting room and why Benita’s teddy bear is sitting on the piano.
He rushes into the kitchen, still screaming, with the bag of groceries he’d stopped over to buy at the market. He opens the freezer only to discover that it is switched off.
His ogbono soup is spoilt and he thought he’d leave cooking till the weekend. How could the silly house girl switch off the freezer for God’s sake? “Silifaaa!’, he screams harder ‘Sorry ma, it was when ‘NEPA took light’ that I switched everything off and I forgot to switch it back on. I’m sorry ma.’ If looks could kill, Silifa would have died right on the spot.
What is he going to do give ‘this man’ for dinner now? He was banking on that ogbono and poundo yam. Now this foolish girl has ruined it…
His phone rings. It’s Madam. ‘I’m stuck in traffic and hungry enough to eat a cow. I’d like that delicious ogbono soup and ground rice. See you soon dear.
You see his life now. She has to want ogbono tonight of all nights. Junior chases Benita into the kitchen, both of them grabbing each of their dad’s legs.
‘He beat me’. ‘She poured water colour on my book.’ He tries to make peace as he retrieves her legs from the warring parties.
He sets about the ogbono and ground rice. One hour later, dinner is ready. He’s still in his Hawes and Curtis shirt. Time to check the children’s home work.
He packs their books into their bags. Next on the list of to-do is tomorrow’s breakfast for the children.
Cereal, juice and fruits. He makes a mental note ; buy more apples and noodles and Ribena. Wife strolls in and falls into a couch.
He takes her bag and jacket and returns with a glass of water. She grunts a thank you and goes to have her bath. He serves the dinner. At the table she finds out he is not eating. He has just a glass of juice in front of him. ‘Why aren’t you eating? Are you okay?’ She asks. ‘My dear, I’m just tired.
All I want to do now is sleep. God, it’s been one long day.’ ‘You should try and eat something, you know?’ She gets up while he clears the table. He reminds her of the house keeping allowance for the month. ‘I’ll write the cheque before I leave for the office in the morning?’ ‘No, I don’t want a cheque. Please give me cash.
ow I hate going to the bank? ‘Well, that means you’ll have to wait until I have the cash.’ ‘Please, the kids need some things and that can’t wait. We’ve run out of noodles and Ribena. There is no stockfish, no snail. What am I going to cook with? Or you want to start eating red meat?’
‘In that case, use your money. I’ll refund you.’ ‘Not on your life. Since when did refund become a concept that works in this house?’ ‘Since now.’ ‘
This is not a joke.’ ‘And I am not laughing. In fact, your money problem is disturbing my Channels news. Can we talk about this later? Thank you.’ He stalks off into the bedroom. Oooooh God, the bedroom looks like a hurricane just swept through it.
Her pants and bras are in a heap on one side of the bed and his own boxers and handkerchiefs on the other. Four trous
er suits are at the foot of the bed choking his best tie and the dressing table is a mess of jewellery and perfume bottles. She does this every morning. She simply can’t make up her mind on what suit or wrist watch to wear until the bed looks like we are having a sale. His back aching, he sets about cleaning and clearing. He’s the one who made the rule that the house help must never clean their bedroom.
Is this what she does every day? He soon restores some semblance of sanity to the area. Before his head hits the pillow, he’s snoring. Then, he feels something soft, or two soft things rubbing against his back and warm fingers on his chests…
He tries to turn but his back is killing him. His head has a battalion of soldiers marching back and forth inside. ‘Darling please, go to sleep.
My back aches, my head…’ ‘Oh no, you can’t have a headache today. No you can’t. All aches will just have to wait, my love.’
‘Please…’ she purrs and goes to work, pressing the right buttons. Ten minutes later, music is over. An uninteresting duet indeed. He can’t wait to become the husband again.
Are you laughing? I think it’d be really cool to let our men act this wife-for-one-day script. Who wants to take the first shot?
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