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A deputy for your busy husband…



A deputy for your busy husband…

It was supposed to be a day out with the girls but I could not make it because I woke up feeling very tired after sleeping for eight hours. I checked my sugar level and my blood pressure and everything was fine. Yet I was still feeling like I had two heads and my eyes refused to stay open. So, I had a long hot shower and dived under the duvet again, hoping and praying my friends would have so much fun at the party and forget I was not even there. For where? They came straight from the party to my house, in various stages of disrobing as they trooped into my compound.

Lamy was holding her head tie. Mofe’s skirt was in a clean-up-Lagos mode because her zipper was undone, Liz was trying to get out of her body-shaper unsuccessfully. Gbemi was holding her sunglasses but wear­ing flat casual slippers, instead of her six-inch things. I took a look at them and knew it wasn’t going to be a flying visit.
‘Hey girl, what’s up? What are you doing in P.J at 5p.m.? That was Lamy.

‘You are looking so dull and used. Abi o ti l’oyun? (Are you pregnant?)’ Gbemi is scan­dalously incorrigible. Why must she always think, like an old woman, that every sick fe­male is pregnant?’
‘I don’t think she’s pregnant. I think she is under-used?’ Liz has all the answers. That one is like those people selling drugs in­side commercial buses; one drug that cures a thousand ailments. Mofe was on her way from my kitchen, bearing a loaded tray.

‘Who is under-used in this age and time? I hope you girls know it is a sin to deprive yourself. You only live once, you know?’
‘Not all of us are married like you.’ Liz retorted.
Now, why would Liz pretend she is not married because she is and has been for 17 long years?
‘Chaaii, Liz, there is God o. You are mar­ried girl, taken, used and over-used by that handsome husband of yours.’

‘It is also a sin to talk about what you don’t understand. What is the essence of be­ing married if you can count the number of times you make love in a year, ehn? Tunji is so busy. He travels every week and when he’s in town, the business meetings make it look like he’s still out of town…’
‘And then when he gets back home, he simply falls into bed like a log of wood or does a two-minute man thing.’ Mofe com­pleted Liz’s sentence. Why is that?
Mofe’s husband is a politician and has been since 1999. So, how is she in a position to feel good about absentee husbands? She is the one who always complained and once went into de­pression because of inadequate sex. This new Mofe is totally new.
‘All right, Mofe, out with it. You were the whining one, the one whose factory was not allowed to function at fully-installed capacity. What is Otunba doing differently especially now that he’s following the president all over the country?’
‘Otunba didn’t change. I did. I found him a deputy.’
‘You did what?’ We all chorused, eight pairs of eyes threatening to pop out of their sockets.
‘Before you go into group cardiac arrest, I am not having an affair. I just got myself a few sex toys in my favourite colours to …’

At that point in time, everybody started talk­ing at the same time. How could she? Why did she? It’s a sin. It is not a sin. It is still adultery. How will a husband feel if he catches his wife with a vibrator? Oh and there are quite many varieties to choose from. Mofe insisted it is transforma­tion agenda of the new woman, whatever that means.

Babes, I must confess I heard things I thought I knew. I learnt a lot and it is not just about the beautiful colours and sexy names of men’s dep­uties. I learnt that more women than you and I know now have closets full of dildos and beads and rabbits. Women are taking care of them­selves because if they don’t, nobody will.

The women in their 20s are afraid of the ram­paging libido of hit-and-run young guys who have no intention of marrying anybody in the next five years. They just dazzle and cuddle for a few months, get her pregnant, do abortion and then move on to the next girl. With sex toys, her heart is not involved and so cannot be broken. She cannot be knocked up by rubber and so her vote is for the toy.

And there is the Adam and Steve situation. After 20 years of marriage, Adam tends to start seeing Eve as his sister and so she gets treated like Steve, not as a woman. As Adam gets older, his libido slumps while Eve’s need for sex climbs between 40 and 50. Poor Adam begins to pant when he can get it up but many days, his staff of office is on sab­batical. What is madam supposed to do? She gets a couple of rabbits to stand in for daddy.

The sex toy also comes in handy with men who leave their women half way to Paradise for all kinds of reasons. It may be age or health troubles but what is a warm blooded , able-bodied woman supposed to do, walk up the wall?

Absentee husbands and busy blokes like Liz and Mofe’s husbands also need deputies before their wives begin to climb scandalous things.
Sex toys are here, all over the place. Women are resorting to self-help to the cha­grin of their men and their pastors. I know born-again folks are casting and binding de­mons of sexual immorality as they read this but what are the alternatives to the demands of the flesh? Can’t she just make do with the chicken in the absence of the pigeon? If your wife has to choose between her toy and the gateman, what do you advise?

Now, isn’t this more relaxing than another long piece on Supreme Court ruling and who should be deputy governor of Kogi and whether the National Assembly needs air fresheners?

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