At a stage in life, parents, especially mothers, tend to start fretting about the unmarried status of their daughters. It is at that time that they start taking interests in every man that does as much as say hello to their daughters. They ask after her male colleagues and other not-so-silly questions. They start introducing their friends’ sons and nephews and cousins and generally trying to match-make, albeit in a subtle manner.
Unfortunately some parents, many mothers have lost the confidence of their daughters by interferring too much.
Yes, it’s possible to over-play one’s hands even in matters concerning one’s children.
You can be too over-protective and over-ambitious where your children’s welfare is concerned. Some parents are simply too fussy and rigid when it comes to giving their blessing to their daughters relationship.
These fussy parents always look for one excuse or the other why one particular guy is not good enough for their daughters. And often times when one makes a closer look at their excuses, they are outright lame excuses that cannot stand up in any moral court. Imagine a mother saying that their daughter’s boyfriend is not handsome enough, in fact that he’s ugly. She even went as far as saying that she was sure the offspring of such a union will be so ugly that they would easily be mistaken for baby chimps if they ever visit a zoo. Can you beat that? How do you expect that daughter to feel or even the poor guy who had no hand or say in how he looks?
Some mothers are simply selfish in their attitudes to their daughters’ suitors. They say they are doing it out of love or taking out good insurance for their daughters’ future. It’s alright to want the best for one’s daughter but when such love starts veering towards tall unrealisable ambitions, the mothers should soft-pedal.
Imagine this, Rolake is 29 years old and so far, none of the four men she had introduced to her mother has met with her approval. “My mother is too fussy and she believes that all that she did not enjoy in her youth must be enjoyed by her children. You see, we lost our father while we were still all under 12 years old. Daddy died suddenly, leaving us penniless and mummy had to bring us up single-handedly. It was hard for her and none of our uncles came to our aid. As a nurse, mummy worked in two hospitals to make ends meet and sent us all to fairly good private schools. She really suffered and that’s why I’m finding it difficult to defy her. I know she wants the best for me but I’m not getting any younger yet she keeps judging my chance of a good marriage by the size of my boyfriends’ car, purse and their family background.
“My current boyfriend is a medical doctor who is just starting out. He shares a flat with another colleagues of his. He’s quite loving, generous and caring. He has even proposed to me but my mother is the stumbling block. She said the guy is too skinny and doesn’t look like he’s going to live long. Can you imagine such a statement? She’s trying to play God and it hurts. I know deep down that her objection has nothing to do with the guy’s physique. If he had been four-feet tall and rich, mummy wouldn’t have objected. She wants a rich son-in-law who will be able to keep her in comfort in her old age. She keeps telling me that it won’t be fair on her or us if we make bad marriages. She doesn’t want to know whether a man gets his money through shady deals or not, as long as he rides a long car and can boast of having travelled abroad three or four times”.
While Rolake’s mother might genuinely not want her daughters to marry poor men, she’s also got a moral duty to ensure they end up happy.
Unfortunately, if she continues like this, there’s every likelihood the frustrated girl will defy her and stop confiding in her. No mother has got any right to impose men on her daughters because she wants to be seen in the ‘owner’s corner’ of a Mercedes Benz G-wag.
Some parents even based their disapproval of prospective sons-in-law on age-old family feuds. Because the poor man’s great-grand father took the girl’s great-great-grand-father’s land centuries ago, they cannot mix. Sometimes the reasons are so stupid that one can’t help but tell such parents to think of better reasons for their objections.
Why should an overgrown piece of barren land spoil one’s chances of happiness, for God’s sake?
Do you know some parents even disapprove of their daughters’ choices on grounds of his state of origin. Imagine a mother, true mother saying: “How can I have a son-in-law who cannot speak my dialet?” It’s even worse when a Yoruba man from Ilesha says his daughter cannot marry an Ekiti man. And these parents will be so insistent and rigid that they cause so much tension and friction in the home.
If the guy is patient he might wait until his prospective in-laws come round but if he’s the impatient type, there are too many fishes in the ocean for him to die running after one.
Methinks it’s simply old fashioned and selfish to deny one’s daughter of life-time happiness just because the boyfriend is poor, skinny or doesn’t speak your language.
It’s a shame, really.
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