New Telegraph

Malarial tones 3: Painful pleasure

Everything around Hetty screamed coronavirus! She could see the virus dancing on the wall, floor, doors, windows…she clutched her head and screamed.

 

The television was streaming a feature on COVID-19. The number of the dead and infected in Nigeria and the whole world was scary and according to the report, the figures were increasing. She quickly switched off the television.

 

Her mind raced back to the traditional wedding she attended a few weeks ago. It was a family affair but an African family event could have up to 500 or more guests! Of course, the ‘small family’ traditional marriage had more than one hundred and fifty ‘members’ from both sides in attendance.

 

She knew because they made arrangement for ten dozens chairs but had to hire an additional five dozens as the event was underway. Yet, some people didn’t get chairs to rest their butts.

 

After the marriage rituals and their inlaws had left with their prized wife, a family meeting commenced and as usual, her spouseless state was part of the issues discussed.

 

She wondered where it was written in the constitution that an almost forty-year-old unmarried lady should seek a man by all means or risk crucifixion.

 

She was told in clear terms that she should bring home a husband before year end, else, they would arrange a man for her.

 

Of course, the idea elicited laughter but her uncles were capable anything. Anyway, that wasn’t her problem for now.

 

There was this friend of one of her uncles who didn’t depart with the other guests. He hung around without a nose mask. For as long as she could remember, the man had always been in their house. Very few people knew he wasn’t part of their family.

 

As usual, he sat in the sitting room, sipping his palm wine…but that was not all. The man was coughing and sneezing between mouthfuls of palm wine. At a point, the man sat a few paces from her and she moved away.

 

She remembered wondering if the man had contracted the deadly virus. That was two weeks ago. She shuddered.

 

Her phone rang and she was startled. When she picked up the phone from the bed and saw it was her uncle, she left it to ring out.

 

What if the call was to inform her that the man had contracted coronavirus?

 


 

The next morning, her head ached. She hardly slept all night. She just realised how long a night was. Her mind traveled all over the world. For the first time, her phones weren’t good companion and didn’t give her the usual joy.

 

The jokes didn’t amuse her. At a point, she switched them off. Funny she could bring herself to switch off her phones. Here was a lady who would fiddle with her phones while plugged to a socket though she knew it was dangerous.

 

From broadcasts, she learnt that the government had extended the deadline for enrolment for the National Identity Number. The news gave her little joy.

 

Is it not the living that would use the phone? COVID-19 is a killjoy! She dragged herself out of bed and went into the kitchenette to rustle up breakfast. Food tasted like poison to her. Poison?

 

She wondered how poison tastes. Do poisons have a uniform taste?

 

Who ever tasted them to know if they are sweet, bitter, sour, bland, etc? She smiled. There are so many expressions human beings make use of that are semantically questionable.

 

She smiled and laughed out loud. It didn’t end in cough. She didn’t rejoice though. She also noticed that her throat wasn’t scratchy anymore.

 

But her head throbbed! She went through her breakfast mechanically and was glad when her plates were empty. She could hardly remember what she ate. COVID-19 is a bastard!

 

The fear of it is a full blown illness on its own. She switched on her phones and messages poured in. She scanned through the messages and responded to chats. The jokes that would normally leave her in stitches merely made her smile.

 

She was grateful for the smile though. Her spirit needed to be lifted, for she was contemplating going for the COVID-19 test. Suddenly, she burst into laughter.

 

Oh gawd!

 

There was this joke that a dispatch rider returned a pre-Valentines day gift to the sender because he felt the recipient didn’t deserve it! Whatever the dispatch rider saw that made him take such deadly decision! She was literally rolling on the floor with laughter.

 

Funny enough, the laughter didn’t end in cough. That gave her mind some respite. She might not need the COVID-19 test after all. Her mind went back to the need to enrol for NIN and her spirit dampened again. Those centres were still overcrowded. To take her mind off coronavirus related news, she switched on the television.

 

The news of the policewoman who was sacked because she got pregnant outside wedlock was still getting attention. She was personally pained by the news. The laws of the land were tilted against the woman, she reasoned.

 

If not, why would the woman be regarded as the property of a man? Why is the woman always at the receiving end? She remembered a story an e-hailing cab driver told her some years back. According to him, he didn’t plan to be a commercial driver.

 

After school, he got a good job in a thriving company in Victoria Island, Lagos. After working for five years, he decided to tie the nuptial knot with his longstanding friend who had been in the labour market for eighteen months.

 

Two months before their wedding, the lady got a job in a thriving bank.

 

They were ecstatic with joy! What a wonderful pre-wedding gift. After the wedding, however, they faced a huddle.

 

She wasn’t expected to be pregnant the first two years of her employment. She got pregnant few months after their wedding. They weighed the options and decided she would resign, which she did.

 

Eleven months after having their bundle of joy, he lost his own job. For more than a year, he hunted for a job which remained elusive. He invested the little savings he had into a business that didn’t thrive and to make matters worse, his wife became pregnant again few months after their son’s first birthday.

 

This time around, they got double joy -two boys! That joy came with pebbles because they had ran out of cash and help was coming far inbetween. That was why he registered his car for e-hailing services and he had been on that job for four years. Hmmmmmm!

 

Hetty changed the television channel to another. This one was talking about insecurity and the killer herdsmen palaver.

 

She flicked the channels again and watched commentators criticize Mr. President for planning to ‘reward’ newly retired service chiefs who some felt didn’t handle the security issues in the country very well with non-career ambassadorial positions and extending the tenure of the IGP by three months.

 

She killed the volume of the television. She wasn’t interested in things that raised the bile in he.r

 

Somehow, she was beginning to be happy again for she wasn’t coughing again and her throat wasn’t scratchy anymore. She jumped up and did a little happy twirl only to sit down abruptly. Her head ached and she felt feverish. Haaaaaaa!

 

Not again!

 

She dreads malaria for it makes her miserable. She decided she would quickly go for tests so she could start treatment immediately, if positive.

 

She took her bath, got ready, picked her car key and was at the door when dang, it came to her that the government had announced that henceforth, people with symptoms of fever would be treated as potential COVID-19 patients until tests prove otherwise! She sank to the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks…

Let’s continue this journey on Sunday!

Send your observations to: julietbumah@ gmail.com

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